Ramblings...

So, just where is God in all of this?? Who is God? What is He? Since the age of 13 I have asked myself those hard questions. First, let me say that I am an introvert, always have been...totally fine with remaining on the outskirts of things, staying to myself and my own thoughts. I feel no great need to have steady reinforcement. I gain satisfaction in sitting and pondering the questions that most people won't go near. The potential answers too frightening for them, carrying the ability to shake the very foundation upon which lives have been fashioned. See, for me it doesn't matter. My foundation was shaken years ago, and has yet to be rebuilt.
Growing up, my experiences with church left a LOT to be desired. To say the very least. I saw and experienced firsthand the devilish abilities of the pronounced Christian. Say and do one thing while other Christians are watching...quite another story when outside of the 'holy building'. I did hang onto the basic idea that God does in fact exist. Yes, I told myself...there is a God in all of us...there is a Higher Power to be reckoned with, consulted, loved by, etc...I feel God's presence in my daily life, though I certainly do not always understand why I am being asked to take a certain less-traveled path, one that often knocks me to my knees, both spiritually and physically. Questioning myself doesn't mean that I question His presence in my life. Though it may appear so to others.

Recently, challenges in my life have brought these questions to the forefront. What is being asked of me? Where is God? What is he up to?? I struggle with trying to decipher the behavior of another, feeling around in the dark for what is the appropriate reaction for me to take. Let go and let God? or take the reigns and regain control myself...at what pointt do we surrender and let it all just be...not taking a defensive stance, but let Universal Law play out?

 Hmmmm.....a part of me really wants to satisfy the human appetite for justice, for revenge, for payback...but the small whisper of my soul says to surrender in Love and Forgiveness...and that is HARD. When we encounter pain and suffering at the hands of another, basic human nature wants that person to suffer as well. We are governed by the Id, the Ego, superEgo, the conscious and the unconscious...the strong innate urge to feel pleasure at causing the person who causes us turmoil, to in turn feel his own turmoil. It may appear as though we have no backbone, in terms of modern society...if we just sit and allow things to happen. And, "weak" is a title to which the Ego doesn't take very kindly. But, wasn't it God who said "turn the other cheek"..."love and welcome your enemies"....huh??? Can this be done while taking a stance at self-preservation? I am thinking No.

Can't walk both sides of the fence. Can't stand for both teams. Or....can we?