Friday, December 28, 2007

My Father's eyes

In my father's eyes...

How do I appear?
What am I to him? Source of pride, or cause of restless indignation.
Is he regretful of who I have become?

In my father's eyes,
Do I exhibit strength?
Or have I succumbed to weakness, the culmination of bad choices. The 'told you so' poster child perhaps.

Is there respect? Admiration?
Or just lost dreams and wishes for what could have been, should have been. Hope and potential dashed.

In his arms I danced, just a little wisp of a girl, tiny and innocent with all of life stretched out ahead in colorful beckoning, sunny liquid dreams just waiting to be absorbed.
In his face, I gazed.
On his lap I took comfort.
In his arms I took refuge.
On his feet, I walked. Trying, yearning to be like him. To be be strong, to carry life with dignity and intellect.

My Daddy.
Have I let you down?
I have not always taken the high road and have made some choices I regret; choices I would change, if this world allowed second chances on such things.
Daddy, I implore you, I am trying to make it all right. As I raise my children, without their Daddy.
Am I strong enough?
Can I be Mommy and Daddy to my little boys and my little girls, offering security and comfort as you did?

I weep as I watch my girls search for Daddy's lap, not able to imagine the pain in their hearts as it eludes them.
Who will dance with them?
Whose feet will they stand upon?
Into whose gentle, forgiving eyes will they gaze?
Whose strong arms will scoop them up when they fall?

Daddy, I am sorry.
I have created pain, in not following your advice, in failing to heed your words, so many years ago.
I disregarded the wisdom I knew you held fast.

Daddy, please forgive me.
Please love me despite my transgressions and mistakes.

Nothing else matters except my reflection,

In my father's eyes.

Edited to add: Ok, so it isn't that nothing else matters, really. It is just that I often wonder, from the eyes of a parent, how my own father views me and the choices I have made. Truth be told, I also wonder about my mother's perspective of who I have become.


10 comments:

niobe said...

What a poignant post.

Of course, I can't see through your father's eyes, but, from what you've told us and shown us, it's absolutely clear to me that, with you as their mother, your children will have a rock-solid foundation of love and strength to build their lives upon.

blooming desertpea said...

If your dad doesn't love you exactly the way you are he must be a blind man as you are a wonderful person.

(((Hugs)))

Amy Y said...

I'm sure, if he can see you like we do, he is not only proud but boastful of his little girl.

Beautiful post, Mama.

Kellan said...

This is a beautiful poem and tribute to your love for your father. He should be very proud of you!!!!! Take care. Kellan

InTheFastLane said...

Very stirring. Isn't amazing how the things we sought as a child continue to haunt us years later.

painted maypole said...

oh.

i think your daddy loves you. sees the sparkle that is in you. i hope so.

slouching mom said...

so beautiful and moving a poem!

Family Adventure said...

You made me cry!!

Double hugs sent to you through Cyperspace.

Heidi

RealAge22 said...

Well, sis, first of all what a beautiful and vivid piece of writing. Emotion, talent, and eloquence all swept up in one mighty, very honest and revealing tempest. This is a tough one for sure. Maybe tough for everyone involved - you, Dad, and even me.

Second, never apologize. I mean, apologize if you ran over someone's dog or something, but really think long and hard about apologizing. It really means something. It says "I should not have done what I did, and if I could I would change it." If this is what you really mean (like if you ran over someone's dog) then for chrissakes say it! But if not, think before you say these words, because people toss them around like so many pillows but they really do have a lot of connotations not only to those that hear them, but also to those that speak them.

Now then.

I guess I can never fully understand the bond and relationship between father and daughter, but I feel like I witnessed enough of your interaction with Dad (as well as my fair share of "Just the Ten of Us" episodes) to comment with a certain degree of confidence.

Dad was always such a rock of stability and unflagging reason that is was sometimes overwhelming. It's even more overwhelming now that we're adults, and we should be able to relate to, if not replicate, that kind of steadfast, all-knowing reason that could pretty much get the family through anything as long as he had coveralls and a set of socket wrenches. I mean, What the F?? Who was this guy, friggin MacGyver?

You are a strong, independent person, and I know for a fact that Dad is proud of you for that.

Have you made mistakes? I don't know, and it's not for me to judge. Or Mom. Or Dad, for that matter. Only you can decide that. But I can tell you one thing: You're constantly surrounded with 5 people who love and treasure you (4 or which have to obey whatever you say, which has to be pretty cool no matter how you slice it). And it's never a bad thing to be surrounded with loved ones.

People take different paths. You may look at me and say, "Bro has made some pretty good decisions. Good work Bro!" But I'll tell you this: I'm not surrounded every day with people I love, and to be perfectly honest at times I'm quite lonely. So you've got things I don't, and visa-versa.

Who's to say what's right? God, that's who. Buaaaahhhhhhhh-haaaaaa. Just kidding of course.

I guess my point is, I love Dad and I know you do too, but we're on our own now, sis. Whatever Dad thinks is really just a side-bar to our lives. We both have to do whatever makes us happy, and what seems right to us. No to anyone else, including Daddy.

thirtysomething said...

Very insightful and revealing, RealAge. I always appreciate your view and take on things, even when I scoff. Thanks for your words of encouragement, I will take them to heart.