Ever feel congested? And I am not referring to the lung condition.
I seem to be slipping into a total funk. An icky, sticky, all-consuming funk. I have no motivation right now, my kids are at each other's throats and I don't even seem to be able to summon the energy to intervene. I am usually on top of these things.
I have many things on my plate right now--all of which I want to be there of course, but my plate is very heavy and today I feel like I am going to drop it. My mother and I were having a conversation this morning about what we wanted to do for the 4th. With the kids. All I could think of was different scenarios in which it was going to be "them against us". Or vice versa. So, my big decision was to do absolutely nothing. This based on the fact that I am still reeling from our trip to the little zoo here in town last weekend during which all of my kids were out of control to the level that folks were turning to locate the origin of the noise and commotion. I was mortified, and we left as fast as I could get us to the car. They received a heated version of the "this is not how I have raised you to behave" speech, which coincidentally was totally ineffective, as usual. I was in tears of course and I think that is the moment I began sliding down the slippery slope. At what point exactly should I admit to myself and others that I am totally maxed out with trying to rasie these four children without their f* father who decided that he would rather play for a few more years-parenting just wasn't fun enough. Apparently making them was more along his idea of a good time.
Those who spend time around me know me to be very optimistic and always seeing the positive side of things. So, in this whirlwind of emotions I seem to be experiencing, I surprise even myself. This past week I am even having food cravings, and I have never been one to comfort-eat (well, ok except for the occassional McD french fries that I can't say no to when I am having one of those days). Combined with my lackluster view on exercise this past month, that might produce unwanted side-effects. Ah, something else to ponder. Yea.
So, today we will be staying home. No BBQ at my friend's house because the girls will just freak out about her dog and I don't want to deal with that, no trips to the park because it is so hot that would just be miserable, I did not purchase fireworks, our town does not sponser a 4th of July parade, and so that is that.
Instead I will sit here on my ass all day, break up arguments periodically, and attempt to figure out which major decision I need to make next. Job. Move. Send my 9 year-old to therapy to deal with his father's absence and it's impact on his behavior-which I can't take much longer (the other three were so young when he and I parted ways, that they don't seem to be very bothered). Any of the above needs to be decided upon and moved forward with very soon, but alas I sit here lost in preoccupied thought.
So, here i sit dumping it all out in hopes that my plate will rebablance itself and I can climb back up the slope to familiar territory.
It goes without saying that anyone standing there at the top, feel free to throw me a rope. I could really use a hand right now. But, if that isn't possible, I would settle for some advice from someone on the outside looking in.