Thursday, September 6, 2007

Inner Child

Ever notice how easy it is to voice your opinion about something, like kicking dirt off your shoe, and going forward like nothing happened, not wondering the impact of your statement may have left with the other person?

"yes, I totally agree with that" or

"no way. that is SO wrong. I can't believe anyone would ever choose that".

People speak all day long in reference to things they probably have no idea about. Make remarks against situations with which they have never been confronted. I used to be one of these people, until two and a half years ago. I would drop my comments here and there, not really giving my beliefs a second thought. Never asking myself why I felt a certain way towards something, just usually going with the majority. Judgemental? Hell, yeah.

It seems like we can so easily speak for or against something before or without ever having any exposure to what it feels like to be in the position/situation we are attempting to speak for or against. Mostly, I have noticed, that the people offering the advice are the people that have no right to be speaking. They aren't asked for their opinion--they offer it freely and loudly. On the contrary, a person who actually might have something worthwhile to offer, usually doesn't just offer their thoughts forward; they wait until asked or prompted. They exude a certain comforting wisdom when they speak of their experience.

Take abortion for example. SO many people stand either vehemently for or steadfastly against abortion, without even really understanding what a woman feels like to be in the position to have to make such a heavy decision. A decision that has no 'takeback' backroad. A decision that a woman must forever live with, no matter what.

As my youngest child nears her second birthday, I am and will always be reminded of the fact that I almost did not have her. By my own choice. I struggled for the better part of 12 weeks with the decision of whether or not I wanted to bring another child into the world with a man who had proven himself unworthy of being a father. We were already separated and the fact that the opportunity came and passed during which I conceived her weighed heavily on my mind as immoral and a bad choice on my part.

I struggled with decisions like whether or not it was fair to a new baby to be brought into the world and into a home with three siblings and a single parent, because in my heart I knew that although he was telling me with his words that things would change, he would not step up to the plate any more for this child than the others he could so conveniently forget about. I knew that I was taking it on alone, and I was scared. I was ashamed. I wondered how fair it was to ask my other three children to share yet another slice of the pie- so to speak. Could I have enough Love, patience, and mothering to spread to another little person? Was I capable? I was just getting started in school, was barely making ends meet as it was, I couldn't even imagine another child to care for.

Before I realized it I was sitting in the parking lot of the abortion clinic, my $500.00 in hand, my i.d, and beside me was sitting my mother (I know, she is a true saint--the most non-judgemental, supportive person you will EVER meet). I sat there wondering what I was doing, but still feeling like I had no choice but to abort this new life growing inside me. I was in tears on the inside, some on the outside, having read what lies ahead and not knowing if I could handle this choice either. I wanted a third choice. Where everything would work out perfectly.

My car was surrounded by the protesters with their obnoxious signs, chanting something I thought I would never forget. But have. We probably sat there for almost an hour, mostly in silence. I stared at the white doors and could almost imagine the sterile, cold feeling of the rooms on the other side of those doors. As I sat in my car, I felt a kind of peace drape over me, like a warm feeling. In that moment, my mother asked me quietly, "would you do this if God was walking in beside you?". It was as if I did not even need to think about it. I simply said "no" and we drove away--my sweet baby still inside my belly. It grounds me now to realize how close I was that day to altering my life and the lives of my children forever, irreversibly.

I am not a religious person, but I do consider myself to be a spiritual person. I feel like there is a higher power out there, and religions attempt to encompass it into their own respecive denominations and name it accordingly--Buddha, Alla, Jesus, etc. But the feeling is still the same.

I will forever and always know that if I haven't walked through the pain myself, I have nothing to say. Nothing to offer but a prayer of peace to the person struggling. I do not walk around protesting this or that, but remain constant in what I believe and practice it each day by example.

I look in my sweet, precious baby's face and ask myself, what would I have ever done without her to teach me, to allow me to walk through such a learning experience, to grow as a is part of her purpose and I can't wait to see her fullfill that on a grand scale.

God Bless.

Oh, the ultrasound is of Serenity (now you know some of the meaning behind her name) in my third trimester and if you look at the first one, you can vividly see her eye peering out as if to say Hi! Here I come!


slouching mom said...

What a powerful post.

I try NEVER, NEVER to judge others. Because I have no idea what brought them to where they are.

I commented recently about judging that I feel it should be one of the seven deadly sins. I feel that strongly about our culture's propensity to judge.

painted maypole said...

thank you for sharing that story.

and your mother. Wow.

niobe said...

There's not much that gives me the chills (in a good way, I mean). But this did. Wonderful post.

mitzh said...

No words can describe how I felt after reading this post...

Powerfully beautiful..

(((tight hugs)))

blooming desertpea said...

God bless you, my dear. I would have understood completely if you had gone through with it - and God bless your mom for being the supportive person she seems to be. No, nobody can judge unless they've been there. This entry is beautiful and the most touching you've written so far. I think I've told you before that you have my greatest admiration for bringing up 4 kids on your own and what a marvellous job you're doing, woman!

Christine said...

thanks for sharing this with us.

wonderful post

Katie said...

Your daughter has quite a powerful name, what a way to enter the world. Few of us can say our parents gave that much thought and consideration to our existence.

Amy York said...

Yes, thank you for sharing that story... What a powerful message you send. I admire your strength. And that of your mother as well ~ you are a lucky duck to have a mom like that! And your kiddos are lucky to have a mom like you. I try my hardest not to judge the actions of others, though I know I fail miserably on a regular basis... I will take your words with me and try harder.

Chaotic Joy said...

This was a powerful post and a reminder not to judge. Thank goodness for your mother sitting beside you, and loving you without judgement. And God Bless you for the struggles you went through to bring your beautiful Serenity into the world.

Omaha Mama said...

Wow. I do believe in God and know that He nudged your mom. I know there are times when abortion is a woman's only choice, but thank goodness you had another choice. Thank goodness - and now you're celebrating your baby girl's #2! Congrats to walking the walk.

ZEROCOOL said...

I am moved beyond words and I looked at the pic of Serenity and God Bless you, now she is 2 years old. Even if you decided otherwise to begin with, I would never have judged you, because we based our decision on what is best for us.
Thank you for sharing this story with us.

ewe are here said...

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds as if you have a wonderfully, supportive mom.